


Falling Apart

by thorkified



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive Parents, Addiction, Alternate Universe - College/University, Death, Drug Abuse, Drugs, M/M, Regret And Remorse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-18 23:42:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13110999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thorkified/pseuds/thorkified
Summary: After high school, Sam is forced to leave his best friend Lucifer behind to go to college. He misses him and hates to go, but his parents force him to. Being so far away from Lucifer, however, is worse than he imagined and when he comes back to visit he notices that Lucifer has changed. Sadly, Sam has no idea how much and what worse things are about to come, or he would have never left his side again for even a minute.





	Falling Apart

 Is there anything worse than slowly losing the person you care about ost, without being able to do anything about it? Sam would say that the answer is no. He had known Lucifer for as long as he could remember and never during those many years he would have imagined him to disappear from his life. Lucifer was always there, being his friend and a source for happiness and strength - until all of this slowly began to fade away.

 It all started after they finished high school - Sam as the best of his class and Lucifer barely making it to the end. Of course Sam never mattered about his best friend’s grades or anything else, but sadly not everyone thought the same way. Lucifer’s father - a choleric and alcoholic author that enjoyed beating his kids up - was furious when his second-oldest son broke the news to him that he would not go to college. That night, Lucifer had stood on Sam’s doorstep to ask his friend for shelter - drained from the rain and severely bruised. Of course Sam didn’t hesitate to take him in and even helped him attend his wounds, but it was the downfall of what he had thought would last forever.

 Sam always knew Lucifer wouldn’t go to college - he simply wasn’t the type for it. Not that he was dumb or lazy, but Lucifer simply had a way of seeing the world that didn’t go well with school at all. He was a free spirit and all through high school it was clear that Lucifer’s future did not involve going to school for any longer than ultimately necessary. Lucifer was very smart, but in a way that didn’t correspond with his own. Still, that didn’t influence their friendship at all - for Sam Lucifer was more than the grades he got. For all this time Sam had cherished his friend for who he was, not for what others saw in him.

 When Sam was accepted to college, however, he felt that things changed. He had spent his last two free months with Lucifer on a road trip through almost half of the US, but all this time he could feel that his friend was hiding something from him. Sure, they had fun and for the most part Lucifer acted the way he knew him - but there were moments when Sam knew the other wanted to say something, even though he never did. They were close, as close as best friends could be without being lovers, but this time Lucifer didn’t talk to him as Sam had hoped. He wanted to spend as much time with his friend as possible, because leaving Lucifer behind was the hardest thing he could imagine.

 At first, things did seem to go on as normal. Lucifer wasn’t with him all the time anymore, but they called each other almost every day and stayed in contact. Sam was lonely, but there was barely enough time to recognize this feeling thanks to his overwhelming homework and classes. It was a true relief when Christmas rolled around and he could go back home for one and a half week. His family was very excited to see him and they spent a nice Christmas together, but what he looked forward to most was meeting Lucifer again.

 His friend, whom he knew to be energetic and adventurous, had become quiet and withdrawn. When Sam visited him he seemed overly excited to see his friend again, but something about this whole evening felt weird. Sam tried getting Lucifer to talk for many hours, but there was really nothing coming from the other. His friend looked tired and so worn out, but he couldn’t figure why and the other didn’t tell him either. Sam had a very hard time leaving again, knowing something was wrong with Lucifer and he couldn’t do anything. He would have stayed and focused on nothing but Lucifer, but it was impossible thanks to his pushing mother and father, who basically told him to go to college or get lost - in a nice and manipulative way, of course.

 So, Sam stayed in college and studied, but he did his best to call Lucifer every single night. He was determined to show him that they were still friends just the way they used to be, even if they were so far apart. He felt awful for not being there for his best friend the way he had been before. Of course Lucifer always sounded happy whenever Sam called, but it was so obvious that he was faking it that it hurt Sam whenever he listened to the forced cheery voice. All these years Lucifer had never felt the need to lie to him and now it was so obvious that Sam wanted to scream.

 The very first day of Spring break, Sam was back in his hometown and on Lucifer’s doorstep, determined to make his friend talk. He had made a plan over the last weeks to trap Lucifer in the house and to keep him there until he would speak, but his plan was quickly destroyed by Lucifer’s unusual and jumpy behavior. He took Sam out to a bar, they drank and Lucifer talked about his family and his new job to no end. If he wouldn’t have known his friend for so long, Sam might have actually believed that he was genuinely happy. But to him is was obvious that he was hiding something under all this happy talk.

 The night before he would be forced to leave again, Sam visited Lucifer again in a last attempt to find out what was going on. He simply couldn’t accept the way the other acted, as it was so different from the Lucifer he knew. Something had to be up. When Lucifer opened the door he had the same fake smile on his face, but no matter how much Sam tried to make him talk, in the end he got nothing.

 On his last day, Sam eventually snapped at Lucifer and told him to just spill what the hell was wrong with him because he couldn’t take this masquerade any longer. He had tears in his eyes from his desperation to get an answer, but the one he got hurt him more than any lying or pretending ever had before. Lucifer looked straight into his eyes, the bright blue of his own underlined by circles so dark that Sam knew he hadn’t slept for days, but that wasn’t the worst part. It was the emptiness and betrayal in his eyes that made Sam’s chest tighten.

 “Don’t pretend you care about me, Sam. If you’d care, you would have never left me alone in this nightmare of a life.”

 And with these words Lucifer slammed the door right in front of his face. Sam was stunned, both by the words and the look in Lucifer’s eyes. He couldn’t understand how this all had happened and no matter how much he knocked on the door after he managed to snap out of his state or how many times he yelled Lucifer’s name - the door stayed closed and Lucifer stayed silent. Sam had never felt so horrible and disgusting in his life.

 Back at college, Sam was torn between pleasing his parents and screwing everything to go home and find out what was wrong with Lucifer and even though everything in Sam screamed to do the latter, he didn’t. There was nothing else he wanted as badly as to go back to Lucifer and shake some sense into him, but the practical part of his brain made him stay. He knew that he only had this one chance for education - if he dropped out now or took time off, he knew his dad would pull him out of college completely and there would be no going back anytime soon.

 It didn’t help much that Sam kept calling Lucifer daily sadly, because he simply wouldn’t pick up. Soon, Sam didn’t know what to do anymore. His best friend and the most important person in his life had slipped away from him and there was nothing he could do, no matter how hard he tried. He was too far away, both physically and emotionally, and it slowly broke his heart.

 It was a month before the end of the semester - by then Sam was so devastated and worried that he had failed almost all of his classes and it was impossible to even care anymore - that Sam got a call from a number he didn’t know. He didn’t recognize the voice, nor the name - Michael - but what he did understand was the message and it was one that made him drop the phone and sink on his knees.

 Lucifer, his best friend for almost fifteen years and the one person he never thought he could live without, was dead. Overdose, the voice on the phone said, even though Sam barely understood it - those words he would never forget. ‘He finally took too much, a textbook overdose if I ever saw one.’. Those were the exact words and while they were running wild in his head, Sam even remembered where he had heard the name before. Michael was Lucifer’s brother, he had told him about his brothers a few years ago, with Michael being the one who was studying medicine in New York.

 Sam couldn’t believe that what he heard was true, but as he cowered on the ground, unable to control his tears, he remembered the way Lucifer had looked when he had seen him the last time and everything slowly began to form a picture. All this time he had thought Lucifer was just exhausted from work, but everything had screamed drug abuse - from his appearance to just jumpy behavior and the forced cheerfulness - and Sam just didn’t see it. No one in their right mind would have missed all those signals and apparently no one did, only Sam.

 He was too focused on his own life that he didn’t realize what position Lucifer had been in. And now it was too late to do anything about it. Lucifer was dead and his last words had been that Sam had never cared for him, even though there was nothing else he had ever cared about as deeply as him. This moment, when Sam sat on the floor of his room and sobbed into his hands, he wished for nothing else but to switch places with Lucifer.

 This wasn’t how it was supposed to end, not at all. How was he supposed to go on, knowing that the only one whom he ever connected to and who understood him was gone? Images of Lucifer kept flashing into his mind - images of the pretty and handsome boy that always had a sarcastic comment on his lips and a cigarette behind his ear - and every single one of them was of his slumped body in some dirty corner; motionless and completely lifeless. The thoughts felt like knives stabbing into his heart and Sam had no way of stopping them. And if he was honest, he knew he deserved every bit of this pain. It was his fault that Lucifer was dead - if he would have tried harder, if he would have been more persistent, maybe Lucifer would be still alive. Now all that he could do was accept the emptiness and guilt that he knew he would never lose again.

 Sam had always known that he would be nothing without Lucifer and now that it had become a reality he was unable to cope with the utter devastation his loneliness brought. All the happiness he once had and all the hope he tried so hard to keep in his heart were shattered and he knew that he would never be able to pick up the pieces. If only he wouldn’t have left. If only he would have stayed with his best friend, then none of this would have happened…


End file.
